When I was released from the hospital after having Aubrey and Courtney, I hated looking at my body. From my neck down, I was covered with scars;scars that were glaring to me. Scars that were a constant reminder of what happened to me.
I remember looking in the mirror at my trach scar with its bright red color and losing focus on anything else in the reflection. The sides of my neck had deep scars from the canullas that were placed to run the machine that was keeping me alive.
While showering, I would look at my stomach that was missing a belly button and my groin that looked deformed from another canulla that was used to keep me alive and would be disgusted.
Every time I took a step, I had a constant reminder that my gait would never feel the same again because of the muscle flap that was lifted from my thigh to help prevent infection.
My right thigh looked like it had been shot with a BB gun everyday, all over for four months because of the burning shots of Heparin I would receive twice a day.
My hair was so thin and balding in some areas because of the stress, the high doses of medication and daily exposure to radiation due to chest X-rays.
I hated myself. I hated my new self. I hated my changed self. I hated what happened to me. I wasn’t thankful for survival. I was sick of life.
Healing takes time. Scars fade and become a part of wound repair from the inside out. My internal scars were as deep and visible as my external scars.
Over time, my scars became a sign of victory and survival. They were battle wounds that proved a fight for survival and regaining the life I once lived and rediscovering an even better life. Those scars now symbolize a new life, a life where I am braver, stronger, fearless and have handed Jesus the driver’s seat.
If you too have scars praise the Lord. Scars come in all shapes and sizes. They are external and internal. They bond us together and show triumph over our worst battles. In this world we are going to have trouble, but those scars can be something to celebrate. Those scars can remind you of how far you have come.
My scars have faded. I no longer see them, but every now and then I look in the mirror and glance at my neck and take such pride in a good fight and praise God for giving me the time I am so desperately thankful for. ❤️I’ve come a long way in the healing process. This picture was taken 6 months after delivering Aubrey and Courtney, but I love it. It is a symbol of healing, strength and survival.