I was 15 when I met Dave. Today we are married for 15 years. I am no joke married to the best man in the world. I am not using my blog as a platform to convince you that Dave is great. I do love those posts though especially when you meet “posted about great person”and are expecting greatness to seep from their pores AND… it doesn’t.
My words are true. Dave is great. He exhibits love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Dave better not disappoint if you meet him. If he does, be sure to give me extensive details.
He is better than me. Everyone who knows us, knows that, so I am going to highlight some facts, so I can outshine him. After all, the wedding is all about the bride, so today shall be too.
- He falls asleep as soon as he sits down. So what he does physical labor all day. I do too. I walk up a very large incline to get to the pool with a chair in my hand. I’m tired too, but I can Netflix and Chill as well, if not better than he can finish a basement. Plus, I can binge watch for hours straight in the middle of the night while he gets his beauty sleep. I don’t think he can do his “job” all night long like I can.
- He can block out our kids as if they aren’t even present in the room in which he is standing. If it were an Olympic Sport, he would be a gold medalist. This makes him not as good at parenting as I am. I can sense an argument coming, like Camryn can sense a thunderstorm off in the very far distance. As previously mentioned, “same room” Dave will not hear a word. He is never a reliable witness when the kids are on trial. I hope he never has to serve as a witness in the real world. He’ll lose focus. I can be at Costco, sense that something bad is happening at home and HANDLE it like a BOSS. Okay, I am lying. I will not be at Costco. I will be home, doing something that probably involves hiding in a different room, but I at least hear it.
He believes the kids and their lies when I am not home. “Of course we did our homework, Daddy! You can take us to the playground now. Mommy would love that we are outside, active and off devices.” First, they did not do their homework. Second, the off device comment is a giant verbal eye roll towards the woman you love.
He takes the kids out, tells me about something he saw that he was GOING to get me, but didn’t. Who does this? For example, “Kristi, I saw Diet Coke and Goldfish in Target together at the front of the store and was going to get them for you, but didn’t.” I do not retaliate. What if I said, “Dave, I see that you look hungry, was going to cook dinner, but…” Wait, this does happen. What he does is way worse though.
He lets the kids break all of the rules. For example, he promotes “Twin War Two” where Aubrey and Courtney act like the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling from 1986. During my GLOW watching ritual, I had aspirations to be a GLOW when I grew up. I have an extensive knowledge of 8Os wreasting and the rules . Dave allows them to jump off the high rope and perform illegal moves that back in the day Hulk Hogan would not approve of. Dave should have higher standards like the Hulk. Never mind about the Halk reference. His scandal proved he wasn’t the good guy he pretended to be. Dave just isn’t a skilled teacher. Not everyone is a natural teacher like some of us.
He screams at the TV and acts like he plays for Penn State and the Eagles. It is so annoying. Who is that involved in something they are watching? Totally different but, I just finished The Staircase on Netflix. When the jury was deliberating about the fate of Michael Patterson, I did “vote” and list all of the reasons the defense team left me with reasonable doubt, but that is at least real life. The poor man was going to go to jail if I didn’t weigh in.
I spend all day loading the dishwasher. Every night, after dinner, Dave quietly opens the dishwasher and judges me. Like a 9 year old working on their LEGO Millenium Falcon, he uses his engineering skills to fix all of my mistakes. He then tries to teach me how to properly load the dishwasher. Seriously? There doesn’t HAVE to be a right way if the end result is the same.
He judges me because I love to play games while I am completing mundane tasks. For example, I love playing dishrack Jenga. To play- wash dishes in the morning and all day long, put wet dishes on top of dry dishes. When he sees me approach a sink full of dishes, he always reminds me, “The one’s in the dishrack are dry. You should put them away first.” Fun hater.
He ate a bowl full of Frosted Mini Wheats with ants. He is so gross. He would’t even react. I was cackling and trying to video the epic event and he wouldn’t participate. I guess he isn’t a morning person.
I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I can’t wait to spend so many more years laughing with and at him. He is the best guy, at least for me and that is all that matters. The first 15 years were the best years of my life. He always makes everything look easy. From emptying the dishrack, loading the dishwasher and most importantly loving me unconditionally.