Part of my recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is to revisit all that occurred in 2011 after the birth of my twins, Aubrey and Courtney. This has been a very difficult process that has sometimes left me feeling like I was still living that nightmare.
Part of my therapy has resulted in tough conversations with the people who were beside me during that difficult journey. One story that was told to me was one that I forgot, but truly shook me to the core.
I had been sick during my entire pregnancy with sinus infections, ear infections, viruses, etc. I feel now that I sometimes didn’t take these illnesses seriously and would just keep pushing myself. I had the other girls and a full time job so adequate rest was not an option, regardless of how helpful Dave was.
In January of 2011, my Mom and I were in the process of getting the twins room ready. I don’t clearly remember this, but my Mom recently shared the story with me again. Out of no where she said that I told her if anything was to ever happen to me to tell Dave to get remarried right away and to make sure Cam continued to receive all of her therapy. My Mom said that she dismissed it and had no clue why I would ever say such a thing.
I have no clue why I said it. To this day I can’t figure out why out of the blue I would make a statement like that.
My Mom said when she arrived to Phoenixville Hospital to see the babies and me the day after delivery, Dave was calling her as she entered the hospital. He was frantically explaining to her that things had taken a turn for the worst and she needed to get there now. Thankfully she was already downstairs in the lobby.
As she rode on the elevator my chilling words from the month before came flooding back to her. She never shared my statement with Dave and it was something that she shared much later with me that I must have suppressed.
I can only imagine what my Mom was thinking as she arrived to the waiting room outside of the ICU. I look at my own girls and my heart breaks just thinking about one of them being that sick. There is nothing like a mother’s love. I can almost feel what that must have been like for my Mom as she waited for details of what was happening and tried to stay strong for everyone else. She was a rock from the first part of my battle and continues to be as I fight PTSD.