imageAs I rocked my newborn Camryn, I knew something wasn’t right. I think there is such truth in a mother’s instinct and even through my extreme feelings of depression and anxiety, I just knew that there was something developmentally wrong with my baby.

Deep down I despised what I thought and never shared that feeling with Dave until recently. To tell you the truth, I didn’t remember. I think the PTSD has triggered lots of memories from 2005 to now and this one is so vivid.

I was rocking her in her beautifully decorated room, and I kept looking at her, crying and begging for this all to stop. I just didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want to feed her, change her, get up with her… I just wanted it all to end. I REALLY didn’t want a baby that had developmental issues. I couldn’t even care for myself.

Ironically the pain did stop. I felt better. It is amazing how pain can either make you look at your life negatively or positively. I really think Postpartum was just the beginning of shaping me into who I am today. Again, I am a work in progress, but that is how I view all people.

Thankfully I was strong when our lives switched gears once again. I went from begging for someone else to raise my baby to stopping at nothing to get answers regarding her development. I went from the weakest link to the strongest I had ever had to be. I believe that God gives you what HE can handle and we were walking this together. There was a peace about handling all of it and I went into warrior mode. Reflecting back, the Postpartum  robbed me a little. To say I hated my baby who I adore so much now is such an unbelievable, but real thought. I am not bitter about the time lost, I am better because it prepared me for what was to come.

Through my illness, I felt I had done something wrong and was given Postpartum to teach me a lesson. Thank God I was educated and have grown so much since then. I have made A LOT of mistakes, but really subscribed to the fact that we all have and we are not given things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Sometimes on Earth we won’t ever find out why.  My view of heaven is that one day I will rock my newborn Camryn with tears of joy and be granted all of the time that I missed.

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8 Comments

  1. Jacy on August 3, 2016 at 11:31 am

    Love the ending, another great writing of Kristi, thanks again Jacy ❤️



  2. Kim on August 3, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Your honesty and strength is amazing!!
    Thanks for sharing your stories and faith with all of us!



  3. Kelly Mitchell on August 3, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    Love reading your truth!



  4. Janice on August 3, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    By the time I met you Camryn was 9 months old . You were already a warrior for her. All the different theropies, diets, doctors, services and even glasses you researched and fought to help Camryn succeed . That’s what warrior moms do. On your path to find the best for Cam, God placed such amazing people to help you help Cam be the best she could be .
    I don’t want to name all the people who worked with Cam because I may leave a few out . You know who you are and I know you smile when you think of Camryn and her family .



  5. Shannon Hibberd on August 3, 2016 at 4:53 pm

    Beautiful❤️



  6. Alexa on August 3, 2016 at 9:59 pm

    Your truth is beautiful. I experienced postpartum and before my son was born, it was my worst fear. I feared that I would be effected by it, and yet my fear was really if the unknown. My postpartum was like crashing into a wall and then burrowing into a cave. I remember rocking my son and sobbing for hours and hours with no words. My life was turned upside down and inside out and yet there were tiny moments that were bright and loving. Thanks for sharing your story and thanks for talking about how postpartum taught you so much. It taught me too and taught me to look inward and find the goddess within, the mama, the woman who loves herself first so she can love her husband and her son and her village.



  7. Trish Monaghan on August 3, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    When I read this poignant writing, I read it out loud; it touched my soul. Thank you for your honesty and for the reminder that God gives us “what He can handle.”



  8. ruth m sill on August 4, 2016 at 6:14 am

    Beautiful. I love that you can look back and see your strength and ability…even in those dark times, and strength now to look forward to a time when it will be perfect..



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