As I rocked my newborn Camryn, I knew something wasn’t right. I think there is such truth in a mother’s instinct and even through my extreme feelings of depression and anxiety, I just knew that there was something developmentally wrong with my baby.
Deep down I despised what I thought and never shared that feeling with Dave until recently. To tell you the truth, I didn’t remember. I think the PTSD has triggered lots of memories from 2005 to now and this one is so vivid.
I was rocking her in her beautifully decorated room, and I kept looking at her, crying and begging for this all to stop. I just didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want to feed her, change her, get up with her… I just wanted it all to end. I REALLY didn’t want a baby that had developmental issues. I couldn’t even care for myself.
Ironically the pain did stop. I felt better. It is amazing how pain can either make you look at your life negatively or positively. I really think Postpartum was just the beginning of shaping me into who I am today. Again, I am a work in progress, but that is how I view all people.
Thankfully I was strong when our lives switched gears once again. I went from begging for someone else to raise my baby to stopping at nothing to get answers regarding her development. I went from the weakest link to the strongest I had ever had to be. I believe that God gives you what HE can handle and we were walking this together. There was a peace about handling all of it and I went into warrior mode. Reflecting back, the Postpartum robbed me a little. To say I hated my baby who I adore so much now is such an unbelievable, but real thought. I am not bitter about the time lost, I am better because it prepared me for what was to come.
Through my illness, I felt I had done something wrong and was given Postpartum to teach me a lesson. Thank God I was educated and have grown so much since then. I have made A LOT of mistakes, but really subscribed to the fact that we all have and we are not given things. Bad things happen to good people all the time. Sometimes on Earth we won’t ever find out why. My view of heaven is that one day I will rock my newborn Camryn with tears of joy and be granted all of the time that I missed.